In every type of relationship—romantic, familial, work, or friendship—there is an invisible rope that connects the people within them. The rope often feels tight and stretched between competing desires, needs, expectations and fears—much like a literal tug-of-war. Some people pull too hard, others don’t pull at all, and some of the time, people can pull opposite ways with no awareness at all. Welcome To The Official Website Of Author Tug-Of-War, Leo James Swift illustrates a strong metaphor for the struggles we encounter in life. In addition to his many observations, he has some quietly profound thoughts. In relationships, conflict does not always mean we are being unsuccessful; it often means that both of us care; we just need to learn how to pull together instead of against one another.
Understanding the Tug in Relationships
Conflict/tension in a relationship is unavoidable. Each of us has our own perspectives, past experiences, emotional triggers, and styles of communication. It is not the “tug” that is problematic; it is how we respond to it that will determine whether we grow closer together or drift apart. For Swift, tug-of-war is not just about strength; it is also about strategy, timing/rhythm, and teamwork. The same thing goes for relationships. Instead of viewing a tension as horrible, we can use it as a reflection to better understand both ourselves and our partner(s). Ask yourself:
What am I pulling for in this relationship?
What is the other person pulling for?
Are we not in the same direction, or are we pulling against each other?
Some of these answers may surprise you —and may also be the first step toward healing any division and strengthening any connection.
Recognizing When You’re Pulling Against Each Other
It’s easy to ignore the signs when a relationship is headed into a tug-of-war (the bad kind). Here are some common red flags:
Your conversations feel like a competition. Rather than genuinely engaging, both people are simply waiting for their turn to speak—or win.
You may think there is silent resistance. One person may have “agreed” on the surface but is allowing resentment to build and is becoming emotionally distant.
You have unspoken expectations. You may expect the other person to know what you want or need but may have never clearly communicated anything.
There are chronic misunderstandings. You feel unheard, invisible, or misread, despite your best efforts to communicate clearly.
Just because these signs are showing up doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. It just means that the rope is in tension—and one of you needs to do something to make the side you’re on more powerful (or keep you both on the same side).
The Principle of Pulling Together
Swift’s approach is refreshing: instead of pulling the tension, you should realign it! The real magic happens when both parties pull in the same direction. Here are a couple of ideas about how to get there:
1. Identify Common Purpose
Every healthy relationship resides in common purpose, whether love, collaboration, family, growth or mutual respect. And when conflict arises, ask yourselves:
What brought us together in the first place?
What is it that we both want, ultimately?
By changing the dialogue from “you vs. me” to “us vs. the problem”, you have turned the rope from a dividing line into a line of life.
2. Move Into Open, Empathic Communication
far too often we find ourselves in disagreement, pursuing “being right” rather than “being understood” in conversation! The T.O.W. mindset offers something different: a conversation based on empathy, curiosity and togetherness! Instead of:
“You never listen to me!” you can say:
“When that happens, I feel like you don’t hear me. Can we talk about that together?”
This subtle shift reduces emotional resistance and invites collaboration. It’s less about tugging to win and more about finding a rhythm that works for both.
3. Practice Flexibility, Not Rigidity
When teams play tug-of-war and one side pulls with too much power and doesn’t adjust, they could end up falling. The same is true for relationships. Flexibility is strength, not weakness. You show you are flexible by determining you can adapt, not by compromising your values, but rather by making room for another person’s values. This could include
– Compromising, without resentment.
– Willingness to change your position.
– Willingness to choose peace over pride at moments that do not lead to a battle.
Flexibility allows the rope to shift without breaking.
4. Conflict into Connection
When approached mindfully, conflict can be a conduit for greater understanding. Swift suggests that adversity in our lives, with the right lens, presents opportunities for growth. Relationships are no exception. Here are a few ways to convert conflict into connection:
Own your role. It is rare that one individual bears full responsibility. With increased self-awareness, we often cut defensiveness off at the knees.
Focus on solutions. Transition from blame to brainstorming with the question, ‘What could we do differently next time?”
Rekindle emotional connection. After resolution, you want to put the dots back together through love, gratitude, or just to spend time near one another.
5. Celebrate Small Wins Together
Pulling the same way doesn’t mean you are always moving the needle towards a big win. Sometimes the best success is pulling apart when things become tense—or even agreeing that you will pull apart and come back when you both have had some time to settle down. Celebrate those wins. Note the growth. When you recognize positive behavior and reinforce it, you will be more likely to experience that behavior in the future. With time, the rope between you may become not a tool of tension, but a piece of fabric that connects you as one.
When the Tug Becomes Too Much
It is important to recognize that not every relationship is meant to last forever. If you find that the ‘tug’ becomes the norm—involving components like emotional manipulation, disrespect, or harm— then it may be time to examine (and perhaps reevaluate) whether or not you are both willing (and able) to consider continuing to work together. In some cases, the greatest act of love, or self-respect, is to let go of the rope altogether.
conclusion
In Leo James Swift’s Tug-of-War— The Philosophy of T.O.W., he encourages us to think about conflict, tension and struggle; not only as forces or risks, but as tools, as well. Swift explains that the tug can not just be experienced in a relationship, it can also be an educator… ‘that tug shows us where we care, where we hurt, and where we still have space to grow’. Pulling together is intentional. It is about listening more than speaking, giving more than receiving, and choosing connection rather than ego. And when two people work on this shared effort, even the most frayed thread can turn into an unbreakable bond.
